Top 10 Worst Dreams

1. Dreaming about the work you do during the day. There's nothing worse than completing a full day of stressful data inputing, only to dream about stressful data inputing.

2. eating some kind of poop

3. Realizing that you are cooler and better looking in your dreams than you are in real life. I know it's - like - a phrase and everything, but waking up and remembering you have pimples all over your chin and that you aren't actually hanging out with Bikini Kill and never will be makes the morning a real drag.

4. claws as hands, hands as claws. How frustrating!

5. Fatworld--oh, wait...

6. When you keep trying to hide from someone, like under a blanket or something, but the blanket ends up not being there or shrinking at an amazing speed. You may or may not be naked.

7. Big, huge teeth (no, this has nothing to do with vaginas.)

8. Small, tiny teeth sharpened to points and soft to the touch.

9. When everyone in your dream is someone you met once like 5 years ago. It makes me feel like my real friends aren't top of mind. Or that they're doing a bad job of staying in my dreams consistently. Get in there friends!

10. The almost-can't-tell-it's-a-dream, dream. You know when you dream about the same exact things you do during the day, but with only slight differences, like your nails are weirdly shaped, or your name is Kristen instead of Kendra, and instead of eating pasta for dinner you eat a burger.

For the record, I was really bothered by the film Inception because the "dreams" all these people were having were not marked with any of the weirdness of actual dreams. They should have had Tim Burton or David Lynch do it, and there should have been giant blueberry-headed dogs, morphing electronics, and cackling witches baking apple pies that periodically walked through the frames. Instead there was - like - a man walking fast, or something that would tip Juno off that she was in a dream. How weeeeeiiiird. Oh yeah, and crumbling buildings. woooooooowwwwwwwyaaaaaaaawwwwwwn.

There's No Crazy like NYC Crazy

We ventured into Manhattan to see the movie Catfish last night. From the time we exited the theater to the time we arrived home in Brooklyn, the crowds in Union Square, the L train and the G train provided the experience of an acid trip without taking any drugs (unless the heady mix of urine and rat poison in the guts of the subway has psychedelic effects). I suppose this is why I and everyone else I know is drawn to and repelled by the city. Selection of sights beginning around 10 p.m.:

10:05, Outside of Theater: Man is distributing postcards promoting indie movie outside of theater. Pops up in front of my face saying "You like CATFISH - you watch THIS!" We decline and move on, swept along with crowd. Short, wild-eyed girl appears out of nowhere to verify his claim, cackles "It's BETTER, It's BETTER - I've seen it!"

10:06 Directly behind us, seemingly college-age girl talking loudly about G-CHAT, mentions it eerily over and over, begins to sound like incantation.

10:10 Older woman w/dual-pedaled scooter talking animatedly to homeless girl and her dog. Scene seems oddly comforting, like observing a mailman exchanging pleasantries with your neighbor in a small town.

10:11 Fire truck everywhere. No apparent reason.

10:15 While waiting for G train, extremely skinny gay man/boy in jean jumper and flowered blouse with dyed white blond hair clasps hands with his bff, an extremely high girl with oily hair and pinwheel eyes in patterned scarf. They simataneously hump each other and the air, stomp in imaginary circle, and sing hot chip song at top of their lungs, collapsing into each other in giggles after every verse.

10:15 Several yards down from jean jumper and friend, large group of black teens are step dancing, possibly in competitive circle.

10:20 Man on G train threatening to sprinkle bedbugs on train patrons. Makes his way through multiple cars spreading the news and laughing.

10:25 Vacant-eyed white man seen exiting train with giant orangeish-red stain on most of his white t-shirt. Stain appears to be from pasta, or possibly blood. Man doesn't seem to notice.

10:30 Home!

Cupcake Wars

I thought the reality shows that really had been pushing the limits of ridiculousness were all on VH1 - shows like Tool Academy (self-obsessed muscleheads in bandanas whose girlfriends try and force them unsuccessfully into monogamy and misery) , I Love New York (loud yelling from a metareality star)and Celebrity Rehab make me realize all bets are off when it comes to show ideas.

However, after catching a few snippets of The Food Network's Cupcake Wars last night, I realized that VH1's dramatic trash reels were at least soap-operatic in their material, in some tiny way referencing the human dramas we've all experienced - love, loss, and social pressure.

In contrast, Cupcake Wars seems like the inevitable result of inbreeding among competition reality shows - the category of cable shows of which Top Chef is top dog and Project Runway, Design Star, Hell's Kitchen, The Apprentice, Shear Genius and the like crank out something judgeable (usually food, but including art, hair, businesses, clothes). What makes Cupcake Wars so bad is not just that it's a stretch of the formula from the start (how many different ways can you judge cupcakes?), it's the contrast between the light, simple pleasure of making/eating a cupcake and the stress and drama of the competition. Everything they say or do on the show ends up reading like a comedy.

For example, when one contestant, an older, foppish pastry chef from Beverly Hills named Farish starts in on the final cupcake round, in which the contestants have to build a giant cupcake display (a challenge that basically reveals that the producers ran out of ideas for baking cupcakes), he exclaims:

"At this point, I don't know how many more fondant purses I can make!"

Farish's display includes four giant spinning cupcakes gazing at their own reflections, "inspired by a 1930s hollywood dressing room". If self-absorbed starlet cupcakes can't make you laugh, I don't know what will.

The judging panel drama, a staple of any reality competition show, is even more laughable. The contestants, fully absorbed in the competition and putting their "reputations" on the line, spew standards lines while tearing up: "I want to win this for my family, it's my dream", etc etc. But I can't help feeling the whole show is like adding "in bed" to your chinese fortune cookie fortunes. Add "cupcakes" (or anything related to cupcakes) to end of any dramatic sentence uttered and you collapse into giggles.

How serious are YOU about cupcakes??

When contestants are elminated, the judges say:

"You are a casualty of this cupcake war". Groooooaaaan. How about "You've been frosted." Or "Take your cupcakes out of the oven, you're going home."

The older judge - some sort of French pastry expert, barely cracks a smile the whole show and says things like "the frosting is like mortar" while grimacing. With his exaggerated French accent, I almost believe that the cupcake he's judging is a serious matter. Oh wait, no, I don't. I think they casted him from a Grey Poupon commercial from the 90s.

The show seems to struggle to find ways to portray making cupcakes with more skill than it actually requires. For example, when another contestant craftily makes paper cups for her cupcakes, it automatically becomes her creative selling point:

"She came up with these ingenious cups that no one has done here before!"

Yawn.

With project runway or top Chef, I'm genuinely impressed with the contestants skill. I know I couldn't sew a couture dress or cook a gourmet meal from scratch. I'm pretty sure I could come up with a creative way to make cupcake holders.

In short, I think it's all downhill from here.

Internet Grasp Fail

Last week, David Pogue of the NY Times thoughtfully wrote a kind of "basics of social media" column for those who, um, still kind of don't get it (a.k.a older people who've just been faking knowing what the hell everyone else was talking about).

It was kind of interesting, if only to realize the knowledge gap that exists among seemingly smart, astute seniors who held out from accepting digital tools and trends too long, scoffing at the wide, rolling social media waves as a passing flood and only now realizing that no, actually, the world is now built on water like the towns in late 90s Costner-bomb Waterworld and fuck, I better learn to swim (deep breath - still with me?) Luckily, Pogue serves as a version of the Waterworld key to the new world - only instead of a tattooed map on the back of a little girl, his dictionary will save those who've managed to survive this far by drinking their own urine and such. Until we realize just how dire the situation is, as evidenced by this comment by a grateful "swimmer":

"I found this as a first class in a Twitter Communication course. What I had expected and would like as a second class are some of the terms that tweeters use. For example, many people use the acronym "LOL", and the first definitions that I think of are "Lots of Love" or "Lots of Luck". However, when I looked it up on a twitter dictionary what came up was "Laughing out Loud" or something that is funny. I need more help in understanding the language that I receive when someone tweets me."

Prognosis: dire.

Mow It! Do It! Cut It! Trim It!

I feel most sorry for the cat in this commercial:

TV Commercial Trend: Inanimate Objects with Personality

a.k.a Gag me with a spoon...although the spoon will probably start talking to me in a sassy grandmother voice selling cough syrup.

Lately, I've noticed a mildly disturbing trend among TV commercials - that of giving inanimate objects human motivations, characteristics, voices, and traits. I'm not sure if it's a latent fear of my world of appliances suddenly coming to life and fighting me in a sci-fi inspired electronics-vs.-human end of times war, or just the transparent advertising strategy displayed in these commericals, but every time I see these commercials I protest inside.

Maybe it's that the things that make us human - our tragic flaws, our use of language to communicate, the complicated nature of achieving happiness and satisfaction - is so easily slapped on to objects that were made to serve a simple function - and nothing else. So in some way perhaps I take offense to the forced merging of these worlds as a human being. i.e. no, my brain and emotions can't be graphed onto a strappy sandal for your commerical, I will not be boiled down to a talking vacuum cleaner handle. In short, I just find it weird. Here, a summary of some of the most blatant offenders:

Philandering Shoes.
I guess dudes suck even when they are talking shoes.

Hey, guys, what if the vacuum cleaners, are like, YOU. DUDE. Awesome.

I can only speculate that this commercial was made by potheads.

Boobs Vs. Butt

These aren't necessarily inanimate objects, but worth mentioning. Hey, Reebok, can you guess what my throat and the vomit within it are chattin' about?

Creepy mops and brooms.
Okay, these aren't that horrible - and I get it. It's still creepy to think about a broom needing a restraining order.


With legs like that, No wonder they went out of business
According to ad age, these commercials featuring "sexy" talking applicances aired just before Circuit City went out of business in 2009.This gives new meaning to plugging (in) your TV.


Conclusions and Warnings

Okay, so we are becoming used to conversing with our appliances and body parts. So what? says you.

I say if we're not careful, we'll end up like Japan - where men date video game characters (and some even marry them). Then again, this Japanese vacuum commercial from the 70s shows they've been blowing us out of the water in this arena for years:

Japanese Vacuum Cleaner Commercial | Viral/Other | SPIKE.com

Return to the 50s...

in music, not in stifling cultural norms. Phew!

Perfect for summer! Great on ice!

Feminist Cleaners?

Can't figure out if the cleaners' are run by businesswomen from the 80s who will deliver your power suits to your door, or if I am supposed to assume that I am the confident woman picking up the suits from them. Either way, I know who I'm bringing my salmon-colored suit to when the time comes.

Open Letter to Future Customer Service Reps and Also Karma

Dear Sir or Madam,

Hey! What's up. Did you know that your job is being supported by people like me, who buy your company's products services? No? That's funny. HAHAHAHAHA.

Hey! Can I help you with that? Oh wait, is that the reverse of my role in this exchange? Yes.

Talk soon!

Me

Dear Karma,

In case you can't tell, recently, I've been experiencing a rough patch in my customer service experiences. I haven't made a fuss, or gotten anybody fired, or even filed a complaint. No, I've been compliant, quiet even, internalizing their disrespect and swallowing my anger as one would swallow an acidic bit of digested breakfast that shoots into your mouth unexpectedly.

That's why I don't get where you've been dude. wtf.

Remember when I was a waitress? Remember how much credit I built up? Evidence, bro:

- When I accidentally spilled lemonade down that man's pants and he called me an idiot and said I should be fired.

- When that obese dude from the highway-side family-style restaurant I worked at tricked me into letting him touch my ass and then chuckled with his friends, chins jiggling in delight, while I moved on to my next table during the dinner rush. L-O-freaking-L.

-When I had to clean up the puddly pile of poop just outside the bathroom after the incontinent old man didn't make it in time and my manager locked himself in his office because he was grossed out.

- When I had to heft the "dessert tray" - pieces of stale cake covered in cellophane - around all of my tables, no matter what, and parade it around to the senior citizen crowd like a prize pony, or I would be fired.

-When that guy licked the side of my face when he was ordering a beer.

In short, I've paid my dues, dude. I'm nice, I'm compliant, I give people a chance to explain or refund my money, or just offer an apology. I am the perfect customer. So, hey how about giving me a break.

XOXO,

Me

Complaints Board Treasures

For some reason, I stumbled upon this site, and I can't stop reading the posts. Everything you want to know about human fault, greed, jealously, and folly lay in these pages. Also, if you are looking for inspiration for your short story collection, look no further.

http://www.complaintsboard.com/

Select quotes below:


Clarks Shoes
Posted: 12th of Feb, 2010 by jonazel
failure
Complaint Rating:
I have had three pairs of pricey Clarks shoes which, although carefully looked after and otherwise in excellent condtion, simply came apart at the junction between the leather upper and the synthetic sole.The failure is not of the thread used for stitching, it is a design-cum-material fault..

CVS Pharmacy - North Carolina, Wilmington
Posted: 2009-07-02 by Dru Laing Christie
coupons
Complaint Rating:
CVS Pharmacy always gives you a $2.00 to $5.00 off coupon when you buy certain products. I went there today to buy conditioner. I had a $2.00 of coupon. The clerk said that my visa card was not the same as the one on the coupon. So? My boyfriend gave it to me

Hobby Lobby
Posted: 2010-01-29 by queen_elizabeth8
Return Policy
Complaint Rating:
I recently started a jewelry making class in college and I needed to buy supplies for my class, so I went to Hobby Lobby. When I was at the register I saw a magazines about bead-making so I purchased two. It wasn't until I got home that I saw that they were each 20.00 and way too advanced.

Coke
Posted: 17th of Feb, 2010 by edward clesowich
glue all over cans
Complaint Rating:
baught 24 pack of coke many of times, every time cans have glue all over them. you have to pull the glue off of them before you even think of drinking them. i go through about 2 cases a week, when can gets wet from condinsation you end up getting glue in mouth or face. buy all my coke from wal-mart..

Logo Fail and Pretzel Bag Claim

1. Logo Fail

During the previews for Avatar last night, an ad for Carmel car service caught our soon to be 3D'd eyes, mainly because its logo was to Paul Rand what pork rinds are to Michael Pollan.



First of all, judging by the size and placement of the wheels compared to the body of the car, it would fail to bring me anywhere, except maybe the ground, when its top-heavy frame crashed upon me. Also, what's so special about the "A" that it gets to be lined in yellow, red, AND black?

Needless to say, we were amazed:

2. Pretzel Bag Wisdom

A lunch snack I purchased the other day (bag was about 5" by 7"- the size of a regular snack size chip bag)

Oh! Hungry size. I see now. It's almost like saying a sweater is "size pretty".

Best Songs of 2009

This should really be KM's post, but I am stealing her musical taste and presenting it as my own. I'm sort of kidding - we do like the same songs, but she knows way more about music, is more discerning about what makes a song or album good, and is generally much cooler than me.

Too often, I'm a sucker for depressing indie rock, or I'll mistake a song with atrocious lyrics for being good because I'm distracted by the hand claps or someone hitting a wooden block in it (cute!), or I'll be too focused on singing along to a catchy chorus too notice that it's idiotic. Needless to say, I was grateful when KM came along to gently expose me to the fact that 30 percent of what I was listening to was toothless - soft and palatable, it was the musical equivalent of provolone cheese (Examples, you want? Uh, Mason Jennings, The guy that sings "Orange Sky", other shit like that).

We still disagree about some types of music (I find country music dripping with sentimentality, literalness, and narrative-driven glop to be interesting in a cultural analysis/human response sort of way, she just says it sucks, I can't stand a certain level of noise band no matter how cool it is, she naturally leans that way always), we agree 90 percent of the time about what's awesomely good. And I appreciate her ability to find good music and share it with me, along with admiring her strong opinions on the stuff that makes up a devoted music lover (willingness to listen to new things, passionate belief that one must listen to an entire album several times to truly evaluate it, and compulsion to categorize and record yearly lists of her favorite music). All of which I agree with - although I am less disciplined about exploring it regularly and have a bad habit of selective listening to one or two songs that I like from a band, while knowing nothing about the rest of the album, history, or musical catalog.

That said, she makes a yearly "Best Of" CD, which I present here for 2009, along with whatever clips I can find of the songs. Here is the track list for the Best Songs of 2009:

1. It Ain't Gonna Save Me Jay Reatard

2. Crown on the Ground Sleigh Bells

3. Sleepyhead Passion Pit

4. 1901 Pheonix

5. Dominos The Big Pink

6. Young Hearts Spark Fire Japandroids

7. Despicable Dogs Small Black

8. Antonia Jane Lightning Dust

9. Blood Bank Bon Iver

10. Two Weeks Grizzley Bear

11. Swans Camera Obscura

12. My Girls Animal Collective

13. 11th Dimension Julian Casablancas

14. Psychic City (Voodoo City) Yacht

15. Warm Heart of Africa The Very Best

16. Empire State of Mind Jay-Z

17. The Boys Will Love Us Wavves

18. Lust for Life Girls

19. Young Adult Friction The Pains of Being Pure at Heart

20. Let's Go Surfing The Drums

21. VCR The xx

22. Paparazzi Lady Gaga

23. Zero Yeah Yeah Yeahs

24. Idiot Heart Sunset Rubdown

25. Watching the Planets The Flaming Lips

26. Stillness is the Move Dirty Projectors

27. Calculator Micachu and the Shapes

28. Fiya Tune-Yards

Below, a sampling from the artists - in some cases not the song on KM's list, but hey, it's hard to find shit on YouTube, and these songs are equally awesome. Note: The Grizzly Bear video is extremely creepy and sort of amazing. And Ring Ring is my favorite song of the year.