Mow It! Do It! Cut It! Trim It!

I feel most sorry for the cat in this commercial:

TV Commercial Trend: Inanimate Objects with Personality

a.k.a Gag me with a spoon...although the spoon will probably start talking to me in a sassy grandmother voice selling cough syrup.

Lately, I've noticed a mildly disturbing trend among TV commercials - that of giving inanimate objects human motivations, characteristics, voices, and traits. I'm not sure if it's a latent fear of my world of appliances suddenly coming to life and fighting me in a sci-fi inspired electronics-vs.-human end of times war, or just the transparent advertising strategy displayed in these commericals, but every time I see these commercials I protest inside.

Maybe it's that the things that make us human - our tragic flaws, our use of language to communicate, the complicated nature of achieving happiness and satisfaction - is so easily slapped on to objects that were made to serve a simple function - and nothing else. So in some way perhaps I take offense to the forced merging of these worlds as a human being. i.e. no, my brain and emotions can't be graphed onto a strappy sandal for your commerical, I will not be boiled down to a talking vacuum cleaner handle. In short, I just find it weird. Here, a summary of some of the most blatant offenders:

Philandering Shoes.
I guess dudes suck even when they are talking shoes.

Hey, guys, what if the vacuum cleaners, are like, YOU. DUDE. Awesome.

I can only speculate that this commercial was made by potheads.

Boobs Vs. Butt

These aren't necessarily inanimate objects, but worth mentioning. Hey, Reebok, can you guess what my throat and the vomit within it are chattin' about?

Creepy mops and brooms.
Okay, these aren't that horrible - and I get it. It's still creepy to think about a broom needing a restraining order.


With legs like that, No wonder they went out of business
According to ad age, these commercials featuring "sexy" talking applicances aired just before Circuit City went out of business in 2009.This gives new meaning to plugging (in) your TV.


Conclusions and Warnings

Okay, so we are becoming used to conversing with our appliances and body parts. So what? says you.

I say if we're not careful, we'll end up like Japan - where men date video game characters (and some even marry them). Then again, this Japanese vacuum commercial from the 70s shows they've been blowing us out of the water in this arena for years:

Japanese Vacuum Cleaner Commercial | Viral/Other | SPIKE.com

Return to the 50s...

in music, not in stifling cultural norms. Phew!

Perfect for summer! Great on ice!

Feminist Cleaners?

Can't figure out if the cleaners' are run by businesswomen from the 80s who will deliver your power suits to your door, or if I am supposed to assume that I am the confident woman picking up the suits from them. Either way, I know who I'm bringing my salmon-colored suit to when the time comes.

Open Letter to Future Customer Service Reps and Also Karma

Dear Sir or Madam,

Hey! What's up. Did you know that your job is being supported by people like me, who buy your company's products services? No? That's funny. HAHAHAHAHA.

Hey! Can I help you with that? Oh wait, is that the reverse of my role in this exchange? Yes.

Talk soon!

Me

Dear Karma,

In case you can't tell, recently, I've been experiencing a rough patch in my customer service experiences. I haven't made a fuss, or gotten anybody fired, or even filed a complaint. No, I've been compliant, quiet even, internalizing their disrespect and swallowing my anger as one would swallow an acidic bit of digested breakfast that shoots into your mouth unexpectedly.

That's why I don't get where you've been dude. wtf.

Remember when I was a waitress? Remember how much credit I built up? Evidence, bro:

- When I accidentally spilled lemonade down that man's pants and he called me an idiot and said I should be fired.

- When that obese dude from the highway-side family-style restaurant I worked at tricked me into letting him touch my ass and then chuckled with his friends, chins jiggling in delight, while I moved on to my next table during the dinner rush. L-O-freaking-L.

-When I had to clean up the puddly pile of poop just outside the bathroom after the incontinent old man didn't make it in time and my manager locked himself in his office because he was grossed out.

- When I had to heft the "dessert tray" - pieces of stale cake covered in cellophane - around all of my tables, no matter what, and parade it around to the senior citizen crowd like a prize pony, or I would be fired.

-When that guy licked the side of my face when he was ordering a beer.

In short, I've paid my dues, dude. I'm nice, I'm compliant, I give people a chance to explain or refund my money, or just offer an apology. I am the perfect customer. So, hey how about giving me a break.

XOXO,

Me

Complaints Board Treasures

For some reason, I stumbled upon this site, and I can't stop reading the posts. Everything you want to know about human fault, greed, jealously, and folly lay in these pages. Also, if you are looking for inspiration for your short story collection, look no further.

http://www.complaintsboard.com/

Select quotes below:


Clarks Shoes
Posted: 12th of Feb, 2010 by jonazel
failure
Complaint Rating:
I have had three pairs of pricey Clarks shoes which, although carefully looked after and otherwise in excellent condtion, simply came apart at the junction between the leather upper and the synthetic sole.The failure is not of the thread used for stitching, it is a design-cum-material fault..

CVS Pharmacy - North Carolina, Wilmington
Posted: 2009-07-02 by Dru Laing Christie
coupons
Complaint Rating:
CVS Pharmacy always gives you a $2.00 to $5.00 off coupon when you buy certain products. I went there today to buy conditioner. I had a $2.00 of coupon. The clerk said that my visa card was not the same as the one on the coupon. So? My boyfriend gave it to me

Hobby Lobby
Posted: 2010-01-29 by queen_elizabeth8
Return Policy
Complaint Rating:
I recently started a jewelry making class in college and I needed to buy supplies for my class, so I went to Hobby Lobby. When I was at the register I saw a magazines about bead-making so I purchased two. It wasn't until I got home that I saw that they were each 20.00 and way too advanced.

Coke
Posted: 17th of Feb, 2010 by edward clesowich
glue all over cans
Complaint Rating:
baught 24 pack of coke many of times, every time cans have glue all over them. you have to pull the glue off of them before you even think of drinking them. i go through about 2 cases a week, when can gets wet from condinsation you end up getting glue in mouth or face. buy all my coke from wal-mart..

Logo Fail and Pretzel Bag Claim

1. Logo Fail

During the previews for Avatar last night, an ad for Carmel car service caught our soon to be 3D'd eyes, mainly because its logo was to Paul Rand what pork rinds are to Michael Pollan.



First of all, judging by the size and placement of the wheels compared to the body of the car, it would fail to bring me anywhere, except maybe the ground, when its top-heavy frame crashed upon me. Also, what's so special about the "A" that it gets to be lined in yellow, red, AND black?

Needless to say, we were amazed:

2. Pretzel Bag Wisdom

A lunch snack I purchased the other day (bag was about 5" by 7"- the size of a regular snack size chip bag)

Oh! Hungry size. I see now. It's almost like saying a sweater is "size pretty".