Return to the 50s...

in music, not in stifling cultural norms. Phew!

Perfect for summer! Great on ice!

Feminist Cleaners?

Can't figure out if the cleaners' are run by businesswomen from the 80s who will deliver your power suits to your door, or if I am supposed to assume that I am the confident woman picking up the suits from them. Either way, I know who I'm bringing my salmon-colored suit to when the time comes.

Open Letter to Future Customer Service Reps and Also Karma

Dear Sir or Madam,

Hey! What's up. Did you know that your job is being supported by people like me, who buy your company's products services? No? That's funny. HAHAHAHAHA.

Hey! Can I help you with that? Oh wait, is that the reverse of my role in this exchange? Yes.

Talk soon!

Me

Dear Karma,

In case you can't tell, recently, I've been experiencing a rough patch in my customer service experiences. I haven't made a fuss, or gotten anybody fired, or even filed a complaint. No, I've been compliant, quiet even, internalizing their disrespect and swallowing my anger as one would swallow an acidic bit of digested breakfast that shoots into your mouth unexpectedly.

That's why I don't get where you've been dude. wtf.

Remember when I was a waitress? Remember how much credit I built up? Evidence, bro:

- When I accidentally spilled lemonade down that man's pants and he called me an idiot and said I should be fired.

- When that obese dude from the highway-side family-style restaurant I worked at tricked me into letting him touch my ass and then chuckled with his friends, chins jiggling in delight, while I moved on to my next table during the dinner rush. L-O-freaking-L.

-When I had to clean up the puddly pile of poop just outside the bathroom after the incontinent old man didn't make it in time and my manager locked himself in his office because he was grossed out.

- When I had to heft the "dessert tray" - pieces of stale cake covered in cellophane - around all of my tables, no matter what, and parade it around to the senior citizen crowd like a prize pony, or I would be fired.

-When that guy licked the side of my face when he was ordering a beer.

In short, I've paid my dues, dude. I'm nice, I'm compliant, I give people a chance to explain or refund my money, or just offer an apology. I am the perfect customer. So, hey how about giving me a break.

XOXO,

Me

Complaints Board Treasures

For some reason, I stumbled upon this site, and I can't stop reading the posts. Everything you want to know about human fault, greed, jealously, and folly lay in these pages. Also, if you are looking for inspiration for your short story collection, look no further.

http://www.complaintsboard.com/

Select quotes below:


Clarks Shoes
Posted: 12th of Feb, 2010 by jonazel
failure
Complaint Rating:
I have had three pairs of pricey Clarks shoes which, although carefully looked after and otherwise in excellent condtion, simply came apart at the junction between the leather upper and the synthetic sole.The failure is not of the thread used for stitching, it is a design-cum-material fault..

CVS Pharmacy - North Carolina, Wilmington
Posted: 2009-07-02 by Dru Laing Christie
coupons
Complaint Rating:
CVS Pharmacy always gives you a $2.00 to $5.00 off coupon when you buy certain products. I went there today to buy conditioner. I had a $2.00 of coupon. The clerk said that my visa card was not the same as the one on the coupon. So? My boyfriend gave it to me

Hobby Lobby
Posted: 2010-01-29 by queen_elizabeth8
Return Policy
Complaint Rating:
I recently started a jewelry making class in college and I needed to buy supplies for my class, so I went to Hobby Lobby. When I was at the register I saw a magazines about bead-making so I purchased two. It wasn't until I got home that I saw that they were each 20.00 and way too advanced.

Coke
Posted: 17th of Feb, 2010 by edward clesowich
glue all over cans
Complaint Rating:
baught 24 pack of coke many of times, every time cans have glue all over them. you have to pull the glue off of them before you even think of drinking them. i go through about 2 cases a week, when can gets wet from condinsation you end up getting glue in mouth or face. buy all my coke from wal-mart..

Logo Fail and Pretzel Bag Claim

1. Logo Fail

During the previews for Avatar last night, an ad for Carmel car service caught our soon to be 3D'd eyes, mainly because its logo was to Paul Rand what pork rinds are to Michael Pollan.



First of all, judging by the size and placement of the wheels compared to the body of the car, it would fail to bring me anywhere, except maybe the ground, when its top-heavy frame crashed upon me. Also, what's so special about the "A" that it gets to be lined in yellow, red, AND black?

Needless to say, we were amazed:

2. Pretzel Bag Wisdom

A lunch snack I purchased the other day (bag was about 5" by 7"- the size of a regular snack size chip bag)

Oh! Hungry size. I see now. It's almost like saying a sweater is "size pretty".

Best Songs of 2009

This should really be KM's post, but I am stealing her musical taste and presenting it as my own. I'm sort of kidding - we do like the same songs, but she knows way more about music, is more discerning about what makes a song or album good, and is generally much cooler than me.

Too often, I'm a sucker for depressing indie rock, or I'll mistake a song with atrocious lyrics for being good because I'm distracted by the hand claps or someone hitting a wooden block in it (cute!), or I'll be too focused on singing along to a catchy chorus too notice that it's idiotic. Needless to say, I was grateful when KM came along to gently expose me to the fact that 30 percent of what I was listening to was toothless - soft and palatable, it was the musical equivalent of provolone cheese (Examples, you want? Uh, Mason Jennings, The guy that sings "Orange Sky", other shit like that).

We still disagree about some types of music (I find country music dripping with sentimentality, literalness, and narrative-driven glop to be interesting in a cultural analysis/human response sort of way, she just says it sucks, I can't stand a certain level of noise band no matter how cool it is, she naturally leans that way always), we agree 90 percent of the time about what's awesomely good. And I appreciate her ability to find good music and share it with me, along with admiring her strong opinions on the stuff that makes up a devoted music lover (willingness to listen to new things, passionate belief that one must listen to an entire album several times to truly evaluate it, and compulsion to categorize and record yearly lists of her favorite music). All of which I agree with - although I am less disciplined about exploring it regularly and have a bad habit of selective listening to one or two songs that I like from a band, while knowing nothing about the rest of the album, history, or musical catalog.

That said, she makes a yearly "Best Of" CD, which I present here for 2009, along with whatever clips I can find of the songs. Here is the track list for the Best Songs of 2009:

1. It Ain't Gonna Save Me Jay Reatard

2. Crown on the Ground Sleigh Bells

3. Sleepyhead Passion Pit

4. 1901 Pheonix

5. Dominos The Big Pink

6. Young Hearts Spark Fire Japandroids

7. Despicable Dogs Small Black

8. Antonia Jane Lightning Dust

9. Blood Bank Bon Iver

10. Two Weeks Grizzley Bear

11. Swans Camera Obscura

12. My Girls Animal Collective

13. 11th Dimension Julian Casablancas

14. Psychic City (Voodoo City) Yacht

15. Warm Heart of Africa The Very Best

16. Empire State of Mind Jay-Z

17. The Boys Will Love Us Wavves

18. Lust for Life Girls

19. Young Adult Friction The Pains of Being Pure at Heart

20. Let's Go Surfing The Drums

21. VCR The xx

22. Paparazzi Lady Gaga

23. Zero Yeah Yeah Yeahs

24. Idiot Heart Sunset Rubdown

25. Watching the Planets The Flaming Lips

26. Stillness is the Move Dirty Projectors

27. Calculator Micachu and the Shapes

28. Fiya Tune-Yards

Below, a sampling from the artists - in some cases not the song on KM's list, but hey, it's hard to find shit on YouTube, and these songs are equally awesome. Note: The Grizzly Bear video is extremely creepy and sort of amazing. And Ring Ring is my favorite song of the year.

Twitter: Retwarded or Here To Stay?

No matter what you're opinion about Twitter -- the social networking tool that allows users to send and read short messages (tweets) by posting them to a profile page and to the pages of those who follow them (followers) -- no one can deny the rise of Twitter is thought-provoking. (Full disclosure: I really really wanted to put "twat-provoking" but then I realized that maybe putting a "w" after all the words that start with "T" in this post might be running the joke into the ground).

Which brings me to why I have been so reluctant to explore Twitter and give it a fair shake. First, the name. Twitter? Tweets!?? KM and I spent a good month riffing on this new social networking language by calling each other out whenever we found the other to be telling us something meaningless, as in: "My foot fell asleep. Twizzler!". "I can't find my stapler. Twaddum!" "Maybe we should clip the cats' nails. Twaff! Twerpy!" This suprisingly provided entertainment for us long after the joke was old. (And truthfully, I'd have been more inclined to use it if it was called something cooler, like "Informant," "WhisperSecret," or "InfoVomit").

Of course, our joke was going on when I was still fairly sure Twitter as a trend would eventually implode and bottom out, like "The Rachel" haircut or backwards clothing inspired by Kris Kross, or The Snuggie. It was just too silly to take seriously as a cultural trend. Not only that, but it is an editor or writer's worst nightmare: 140 character non-sentences that encourage horrendous use of language, and no introduction, description or transition sentences to soften the blunt force of information (akin to plopping bits of a raw, bloody mess of meat on plate - no dressing, no cooking, no marinating in a discerning, thoughtful brain before being served up to the consumer). In short, the very idea of the back-assward masses giving each other "news", or distributing whiney thoughts and feelings that are best left locked in an gothy live-journal entry bothered me.

And indeed, when I started exploring Twitter, that's a lot of what I found; friends giving status updates, stupid jokes taking up space, your basic Facebook status update. BUT, the reason I was even deigning to log on to Twitter was that I was beginning to concede that it actually might have a useful side - or at least a side that wouldn't make me want to commit hari-kari with my calligraphy pen should it last into the future.

One, I can see how it can be a short, useful way of distributing up-to-the-minute news. From tweeting an open parking spot (Twitter is working on incorporating a GPS-like functionality so users may be able to do just that) to the oft-cited college kid who was released from an Egyptian jail because of a savvy tweet, I'm conceding there MAY be some practical use in being a twit..terer.

Second, it appears to be a useful business and marketing tool. You may have already read some of the stories about shoppers this holiday season being able to tweet for customer service help (better than waiting on an endless phone queue because the tweets appear publicly and the business has more incentive to help), or finding great deals on twitter (businesses can directly target followers who are interested). In fact, following a business or service seems to be a form of direct marketing that actually allows consumers to choose what promo crap they WANT to be sent for a period of time, which is good for both consumer and business. Business saves money by targeting people they know are interested in a low-cost way, and consumer can remove the business anytime they choose. Er, at least ideally that would be the way it would happen.

But for these two uses, however, I still don't see the point of tweeting your inner thoughts every second, when you can do it on this, and this, and even this. There are only so many ways we need to send status updates- that is, um, if we even need to at all, since we are all afflicted with at least one Facebook friend that feels the need to update their friends about when they are going to bed, feeling [broad emotion], or other boring-as-hell info. For now, Twitter stands as an evolving mix of these uses, and I hope it becomes more of the business and news tool it should be, rather than emo-party twatters tweeting with nothing to talk about than their own twatting tweets. Give me a news story, sure. Give me what you ate for breakfast, twuck off.